69 Hues of Deez Nuts: China Finds Love in Most of the Wrong Places
by BusterManwomb
Summary: In a world derivative of Hetalia: Axis Powers in all the ways one may ascertain by watching half of a Black Sabbath AMV, countries (The governments, not the people) are boys and government-sponsored atrocities are girls. One particular girl yearns for China's attention, but it's like he doesn't even know she exists!
1. Chapter 1

About the Author:

Buster Manwomb's sex tape is titled 'two minutes of screaming and then a lot of crying'.

It is three hours long.

69 Hues of Deez Nuts: China Finds Love in Most of the Wrong Places

Chapter 1: The Tiananmen Square Massacre is Best Girl

China woke up feeling like crap. His water sources were polluted and he was emitting a worrying amount of banned greenhouse gasses. A quick trip to the doctors office revealed that the symptoms were a result of China abusing his people and resources for profit and eating at TacoTime. China's mom was pissed, but China said sorry and that he'd stop and it was seemingly left at that.

China missed the first half of school that day, and arrived during the lunch break. Everyone had already eaten and were faffing about in the bare concrete slab that consisted of the inner city schoolyard.

The South American boys were playing football against the African boys. All the girls that occurred in those continents were on the sidelines, screaming for the boys' attention, but being dutifully and gracelessly ignored. Occasionally a girl would enter the playing field, becoming unavoidable. However the boys would at best sputter a noncommittal apology and sweep them under the nearest rug before playing. When China was looking, Female Genital Mutilation had run into the field, but was absolutely fucking _dogpiled_ by nearly everybody playing the moment she had said her name.

Elsewhere on the lot, the American Indigenous Cultural Destruction sisters were getting petty sums of money thrown at her by America in lieu of actually acknowledging them. Their cousins, the Canadian Indigenous cultural Destruction sisters had gotten a shit-ton of apologies out of Canada that felt rather insincere whenever he was giving Treaty Violations and Denial of Clean Drinking Water constant growth spurts.

And then China saw them. The two girls that seem to make up the entire world to him: Unit 731 and the Rape of Nan King.

They were sisters. Their mother, "Japanese occupation of China" was a pretty spicy number herself before she became too large and unfocused, and burst into dozens of more topically focused girls, not unlike how childbirth is described to most children in Alabama up to age twenty-two, to promote abstinence.

China blushed, walking nervously as he approached the two sisters. They seemed bothered to pry their gazes away from Japan to acknowledge China.

"Um… hi." China said, butterflies in his stomach.

_wham_!

A thick-muscled Japan shoved China to the ground. Trying to look good in front of the girls of his dreams, only to get kicked while he was down.

"You punk-ass!" Japan said, shaking his fist at China and screaming. "Who do you think you are, huh?! If I'm ignoring these girls, everyone has to!"

Japan seemed oddly ignorant of America talking to both of them that very moment, along with the Holocaust sisters, whom Germany was profusely apologizing to with such frequency everyone started seeing it as white noise.

"You ignore thems bitches, you hear me!" Japan pointed at China as she shamefully stood up. Unit 731 and the Rape of Nan King giggled a few seconds before following Japan, trailing behind the crowd of western countries praising him for practically sweating video games.

"He's always going after those bimbos." The Tiananmen Square Massacre said woefully, watching China dust himself off from across the lot. "It's like he doesn't even know I exist!"

"Don't be so hard on yourself!" The Tiananmen Square Massacre's much younger and disturbingly less relevant sister, Chinese-Muslim Concentration Camps said, taking a break from comforting American Migrant Children Concentration Camps, who was crying like hundreds of children that were ripped from their families and stored in harsh prisons converted from failed Wal Marts.

"I don't know, I just think there's something I should be able to do to get his attention."

"Well," Chinese-Muslim Concentration Camps leaned closer so that American Migrant Children Concentration Camps wouldn't hear her mention America. "It looks like America and China are all buddy buddy, but they're actually _frenemies_! America talks _so much shit _behind China's back! If you get him to help you, you might have a chance!"

"That's a great idea!" The Tiananmen Square Massacre hugged Chinese Muslim Concetration camps thankfully before rushing off to find America.


	2. Chapter 2

About the Author:

Thanks to Buster Manwomb's restless campaign to learn whether the Pope would rather fuck a penis-shaped man, or a hundred man-shaped penises, they are banned from using Burger King's free wi-fi, and also Italy.

Chapter 2: Dunce More into the Breach

While getting a boy to acknowledge a girl that they were/are directly involved with is a task likened in it's difficulty to getting the Pope to participate in a threesome with consenting adults, getting another country to acknowledge them if fairly easy.

"Hi, America!" The Tiananmen Square Massacre said cheerfully.

"Oh hi, The Tiananmen Square Massacre!" America said, turning around cheerfully as soon as he realized that he had nothing to do with her. "What's up?"

"Can we talk behind the dumpster?"

"...Sure?" America said.

The dumpster was one of the few places you could get some privacy in the school lot. Still, if this was supposed to be private, America took no chances. He ordered his unwilling surrogate siblings, American Samoa and Puero Rico to guard the area despite the latter _still_ suffering from infrastructure damage post-Hurricane Maria, thanks to America's ineptitude, greed, and apathy (which while quite atrocious enough to be its own girl, was acknowledged by Puerto Rico themself, thus putting them elsewhere on the spectrum. Worldbuilding!)

"So what's this about?" America asked.

"I'd really like you to help me get China's attention." The Tiananmen Square Massacre said.

"How do you expect me to do that?" America asked.

"By helping me get myself _inside _China!" The Tiananmen Square Massacre said, clenching a fist in front of her and speaking with firm resolve.

"How the _hell _do you expect me to do that?" America asked.

"By giving him this!" The Tiananmen Square Massacre held up a blockbuster sandwich.

"...Is that…?"

"Filled with all the ingredients of a bog-standard modern hollywood blockbuster, complete with a second or third act set somewhere in the orient for some reason." The Tiananmen Square Massacre explained proudly. "only this time, I have my hair hidden in it. Once a part of me is inside him, he'll _have _to notice me!"

"I dunno." America said skeptically. "This still feels kind of sketchy."

The Tiananmen Square Massacre sighed. Because she knew america would want a sweetener, and because she was pretty body positive, and because no story written by a penis-wielder can go without a creepy, leering description of a major female character's breasts, The Tiananmen Square Massacre lifted her top, giving america a look at her hentai boobies.

They were quite large and heavy, and her spine did an admirable job of not crushing itself in half in its efforts to hold them up. Bereft of stretch marks, and bearing nipples that looked completely and illogically unstretched, even a below-average parouser of hentai would acknowledge that The Tiananmen Square Massacre had a decent pair of hentai knockers.

"Thot _damn_!" America screamed, as was typical of Americans when they saw an appealing pair of hentai boobies. (At least I hope so. I've only ever watched Canadians react to hentai boobies; I just subtracted the 'eh')

The Tiananmen Square Massacre replaced her shirt after two seconds and refitted her sports bra over the fabric. "Will you give him the sammich now?"

"Well dang, I'll be happy to point out someone else's atrocities now that I have economic incentive _and _personal gratification to influence my morals!" America said hornily. "By the way, would you like a crate of #Kony2012 stickers?"

"I'm fine. Just give him the sandwich." The Tiananmen Square Massacre said.


	3. Chapter 3

About the Author:

Buster Manwomb loves taking digs are China since they are to human rights what Jeffrey Dahmer was to intact gay men.

Chapter 3: sammich-induced revelations

With the resolve of a man who just saw boobies, America went up to China, and traded him the blockbuster sandwich for a ziploc bag full of questionably sourced human kidneys.

After China ate the last bite of the sammich, The Tiananmen Square Massacre jumped out in front of him. "Aha, you nasty fucker! That sammich had my hair in it! you _HAVE to acknowledge me!"_

"Nuh huh!" China said, flexing his amazing powers of debate and guns. The Tiananmen Square Massacre expected as much. As obvious as it was, he was still gonna deny it.

And then China's stomach gurgled, as if thousands of protesters were marching in his stomach. In his efforts not to acknowledge The Tiananmen Square Massacre, his body turned inside out and split in two. As the skin reformed, China was still his normal self, but the rest of the flesh turned into a six inch tall woman.

"Hi!" The tiny woman said with an adorably high pitch. "I'm Military Suppression of Peaceful Protesters! What's your naEEE-"

China kicked her like an american football and sprinted home, right before the lunch bell rang.

When The Tiananmen Square Massacre was in class, she received a text from China, saying he was thinking things over and would like to speak with her at his place.

_He lives at 1, Plot Convenience Street? _The Tiananmen Square Massacre thought. _Wow, that's just across the street!_


	4. Chapter 4

About the Author:

Buster Manwomb's fursona is a pug, since they are also an adorable perversion of nature's laws.

Chapter 4: The Wreckoning

The Tiananmen Square Massacre went home after school, and changed into her most casual t-shirt and jeans combo, which because you could kinda see her wubbly hentai boobies jiggle underneath, was probably considered by sex-starved fuckbois to be the sexiest. shit. ever worn.

She went to China's address to find the door slightly ajar.

The room was seemingly clean, before the most miniscule of observation revealed that the floors and walls were stained with the blood of thousands of years of abused and exploited peasant workers and industrial waste. The decayed remains of a twelfth century mongolian soldier was wedged into a dusty rat trap.

"Well hello." China said, appearing from the bathroom door. "That was some balls you had there, Tiananmen Square Massacre, getting me to notice you. Perhaps you'd care to see _my_ balls as well, now."

"If we're going to do this, shut the fuck up and open up that bathrobe your wearing." The Tiananmen Square Massacre said, daintily displaying an awkwardly stiff display of sensuality.

"Very well, m'lady!" China said, tugging open his bathrobe. His body had the musculature of a sunburnt fifth grader. His penis looked like a dog meat festival where all the dogs were stored in horrifically unsanitary and inhumane conditions. It seemed to jiggle as it wailed like a thousand miserable dogs. He hobbled toward The Tiananmen Square Massacre.

Boys believe the girls are trying to get their attention for the purpose of sexing them, which was why boys subconsciously learned to see girls they were involved with as ugly and unsexy. This was probably proven to China to be wrong when The Tiananmen Square Massacre's foot met with China's testicles faster than a canadian becoming interested in basketball when they realize the Raptors are doing well in the finals.

"Boom! Bitch!" The Tiananmen Square Massacre yelled, donning an angry anime face, kicking China with every word. "That's! What! You! Get!"

By the time The Tiananmen Square Massacre was done kicking, China's testcles looked like they'd called circa 1980s celebrated boxer and convicted rapist Mike Tyson a dainty little bitch. China's penis was so fucked up, all the dogs had fled their broken cages to find safe and loving homes.

America was laughing at China through the door as The Tiananmen Square Massacre strut outside like a properly avenged badass, putting on sunglasses as the whole building exploded behind her. The screen froze mid-explosion, cutting to credits.

THE END.

4.5 out of 5 dentists ̶w̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶c̶e̶d̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶g̶u̶n̶p̶o̶i̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶a̶y agree that following Buster Manwomb on Twitter at BusterManwomb will triple the likelyhood of your parents ever loving you again, and/or being blocked by the Pope.


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